Favorite old jokes

[Geist]

My wife thinks there's nothing wrong with having a small penis. I think she shouldn't have one at all.

Your turn.

[Animal]

I waited up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

[megman]

The wife came into the living room and said "Whats on the TV?"

I said dust. Then it started......

[HighNDry]

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[Animal]

Do you know what they do with old chemists when they die?

Barium.

[megman]

Do you know what they do with old chemists when they die?

Barium.

The only thing you have to know about chemistry is H2O is water and K9P comes from the south end of a dog.

[Animal]

I had a vegan woman come into my restaurant the other day.

I had never seen herbivore.

[Geist]

Three old Catholic men were sitting around shooting the shit when they started talking about their kids. The first old Catholic man says, "When my son walks into the room, people call him Father!" Second old Catholic man looks at him and says, "Oh yeah? Well, when my son walks into the room, people call him Your Excellency!" Third old Catholic man scoffs and says, "I've got you both beat. When my son walks into the room, people call him Your Holiness!" An old Catholic woman walks into the room and says, "My daughter is a 38 24 36, when she walks into the room, people call her Jesus Christ!"

[Animal]

Giest and Slappy are waiting for a bus when they spot a dog laying under a tree licking his balls.

Slappy, "Man, I wish i could do that."

Giest, "Me, too! But I'd be afraid he'd bite me."

[megman]

[FreakShowFanatic]

Gee, I wonder why we don't see Slappy posting here anymore.

[megman]

RD, Biker and FSF get drunk in a bar to try and settle their differences.

They call a taxi afterwards and the taxi driver knew they were all pissed drunk, so he started the engine then turned it off again saying "We have reached your destination."

RD paid him, Biker said Thank You and FSF gave the driver a slap in the head.

The driver was shocking thinking FSF knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?"

FSF replied "Control your speed next time. You nearly killed us!"

[FreakShowFanatic]

[Reservoir Dog]

RD, Biker and FSF get drunk in a bar to try and settle their differences.

They call a taxi afterwards and the taxi driver knew they were all pissed drunk, so he started the engine then turned it off again saying "We have reached your destination."

RD paid him, Biker said Thank You and FSF gave the driver a slap in the head.

The driver was shocking thinking FSF knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?"

FSF replied "Control your speed next time. You nearly killed us!"

I'm a very polite Canadian.

[Geist]

Flumper, Flumper's wife, and two big black guys walk into a bar. Bartender says to Flumper's wife, "What'll it be, ma'am?" Flumper's wife says, "I need to get the taste of tonight out of my mouth. Give me the strongest drink you have." Bartender pours it, looks at the 1st big black guy and asks him the same question. 1st big black guy says, "Dude, lemme tell you bout dis lil white bitch here...dis lil bitch can suck the wrinkles out a raisin bro. I musta cum at least a pound. Gimme a pitcher of water." Bartender pours it, looks at the 2nd big black guy. "And you sir, what'll it be?" 1st big black guy says, " Dis nigga don't even speak English, he only here cuz he got a 13 inch dick and that runnin from lions stamina. Just get him an apple juice or somethin." Bartender gets it, turns to Flumper and says, "Lucky men. How about you bub, you get lucky tonight too?" Flumper says, "Twice."

[megman]

Gee, I wonder why we don't see Slappy posting here anymore.

He's been busy: http://www.asahi.com/ajw/articles/AJ201902170014.html

[kwebber]

What are 2 things that women are never able to keep low enough?

Their weight, and their voices.

[CaptQuint]

A prostitute walks into a bar. She spots a koala bear sitting at the end of the bar. After a little small-talk and flirting, the koala bear goes home with her. They frolic all night long. The next morning, the koala gets up and wanders towards the door.

"HEY! Where are you going?" yells the prostitute. "I haven`t been paid!"
Realizing that he is a koala bear and might not understand, she reaches for a dictionary and looks up *prostitute*.

She shows him the definition:
PROSTITUTE (pros`ti toot) n. A woman who performs services for money. The koala bear looks at her and then grabs the dictionary.
He shows her a definition:
KOALA BEAR (ko all e Bare) n. A furry marsupial. Eats bush and leaves.